A Snowball's Chance in Hell And Other Stories. Read online

  When the two men reached the others, they looked over at Edmond in his worn shirt and trousers. One pointed at Edmond and whispered to another. The other man replied.

  "No! I thought he was long dead." The first said looking at Edmond.

  Edmond nodded to him then, paused as he scratched his chin. He stood straight and strolled over to a page near the foot of the table.

  An old man shuffled in, holding onto the arm of a younger man. The old man looked over at Edmond with pale, clear eyes. He raised a hand to Edmond and Edmond smiled.

  "Good to see you up and about, Lord Mattacroft." called Edmond.

  "And I see you're still alive you old fraud. When are you going to have the decency to get old like the rest of us?"

  "I'm a-working on it, but I just don't seem to get the hang of it." Edmond nodded to the young man. "Your son is looking strong, Lord Mattacroft. I wish you both well."

  The old man waved again as he and his son moved to the head of the table. Edmond turned back to the page.

  "Say, youngster. Could you take a message to Captain Vincent for me?" The page nodded. "Tell him to keep a close eye on the prince's men and a hand on his weapons."

  The page nodded and slipped out the back.

  Another man entered with two large guards. He had blonde hair and beard, both carefully trimmed, and wore an elegant, red, velvet tunic, white shirt and black hose. He walked with a jaunty gait while his guard scowled at anyone who looked their way. Lord Askford saw the guards and stepped forward as his face reddened. The King touched his arm and Askford stopped. Prince Sammul smiled at Lord Askford and paused a second before bowing to the King.

  The King nodded. "Welcome Sammul. I trust it was not inconvenient to attend me."

  "It is never inconvenient to attend your needs. How was your trip yesterday?" Prince Sammul smiled.

  "Most enlightening. I was attacked by three assassins. They killed my guards and managed to wound me. One of them implicated you before he died."

  "A base lie," the prince paused, "a plot to bring strife between us. After all, what is more vulnerable than a kingdom with members of the royal family feuding?" The prince grinned. "I'm sure they have heard we have our little differences and hope to expand those into a fight."

  "No doubt. I am hoping the other assassin we captured will be able to tell us more." said the King, "After all we cannot have any doubt about those close to the throne, can we?"

  Prince Sammul stared at the king for a few minutes, his face red, then the sunset bell rang. The three long tolls that signaled the sun's last rays brought a smile to the prince's face. The prince stuck out his chin and pulled his sword.

  "It will do you no good Altur. My men are taking over the castle, so it is time for you to surrender the throne or die."

  Lord Askford snarled and reached for his sword.

  "The day I bow to an over-perfumed fool like you is the day my son will gut me as a useless bit of baggage." said Lord Askford.

  "Calmly, old friend." The King held up his hand.

  Council members murmured and shifted in their seats, glancing at the king and the prince. The young man who helped Lord Mattacroft started to stand but the old man held him back, nodding to the king.

  "Well, brother, do you surrender?" said the Prince.

  "I don't think so." Edmond's rough voice filled the hall as he stood up to his full height and stepped forward. "Not to a fool such as you." Smoke billowed out of Edmond's pipe as his eyes flicked to the right and left. "Why this attempt to take your brother's throne is pitiful. Nothing like when Prince Howard took the throne from his brother. Now that there was a well-planned..."

  "That was seventy years ago, you old fool." snarled the prince as he stroked his beard with his right hand. "Though you look old enough to have been alive then, as a child."

  The door crashed open and the young page rushed in.

  "Majesty. Prince Sammul's men have attacked the guard. Captain Vincent has them trapped in the main hall and wishes to know if you want them all slain or taken prisoner." The page skidded to a halt ten feet away from the prince.

  The man on the prince's left drew his sword and stepped toward the king. Lord Askford's arm was a blur as he stepped forward, drawing his sword and then standing still. The man's head slowly toppled off of his shoulders and fell to the floor, blood spurting out as the body tilted backward. The prince stared at the body for a second then up at Lord Askford's red face. The prince turned and ran for the door, his remaining guard following five steps behind.

  Edmond waved Lord Askford back and trotted in pursuit of the prince. Smoke from his pipe wafted behind him as he darted through the door.

  Edmond looked to the right then to the left. He sniffed the air and turned to the left then around a corner to see the back of the guard's uniform. He trotted along the hallway and followed the guard around the corner. The guard turned halfway down the hallway and spotted Edmond, just as Edmond saw the tail of the prince's velvet tunic going into a room near the end of the hallway.

  Edmond moved up toward the guard as the guard pulled his sword out of his sheath. Edmond stopped and shook his head. He took his pipe out of his mouth and blew a slow trickle of smoke out that seem to weave it's way up to the ceiling, like braids of rope.

  "You've got a choice here, boy. You can give yerself up to Lord Askford and live or you can chose to fight me and die."

  The guard yelled and charged, raising his sword above his head as he moved forward. Edmond stepped sideways putting his pipe back in his mouth and then forward, his staff swinging out and up. The guard's feet flew into the air as the staff connected with his neck and he landed with a wet thump on the back of his head. Edmond continued on down the hallway, slow wisps of smoke moving along the floor behind him. He move up to the door that the prince went into.

  "I wonder if the prince knows 'bout that there little tunnel in the back of Lord Askford's audience chamber." muttered Edmond as he raised the latch. "I don't think he would be waiting for me to come in." He pushed the door open and stepped through, looking around. "Peers as though he does know about it."

  Edmond stepped around the desk, noticing that a torch was missing from its holder, and pressed a block in the wall that lay waist high to the tall man. A creak came from the wall as a section of the wall slid back. He shoved the section further back and stepped into the dark shadow on the other side.

  Edmond turned and moved down the steps in the darkness. After thirty steps, he turned left and moved along the dark tunnel. A faint bit of light moved ahead of him, then disappeared. Edmond sniffed at the air, noting mold and water and burnt tar. He slowed as the tunnel lightened and carefully turned the corner.

  Prince Sammul stood in the light of the torch, tapping his foot. His attention seemed to be on the darkness on the other side, facing away from Edmond. Edmond stopped twelve feet away from the prince.

  "Ya might as well give it up, Your Highness." Edmond said, making the prince jump and spin around, his sword whipping out. "Ya can't escape me. Surrender and you will probably be exiled to Blackridge Tower. That would be better than death."

  The prince growled. "I'm the best swordsman in this kingdom and the strongest. I will not surrender to some nameless country bumpkin that my fool of a brother has taken a fancy to."

  "I don't doubt that you're the best, so was your father. But unless you're significantly better than he was, ya might as well surrender." Edmond's pipe let out a whiff of smoke that seemed to flutter around the prince's head. "I'm Edmond, sometimes called Thunderstaff and while I may choose to live in the woods, I ain't no fool."

  "So you're the son of the legendary Edmond Thunderstaff and hope to scare me with your father's reputation?"

  "My father is King Breagador and I am the only Edmond Thunderstaff I know of." Edmond shook his head and sighed. "Well, enough of this here foolishness, will you surrender or not?"

  The prince stepped forward, raising his torch high and started to swing. He froze
, staring over Edmond's shoulder. Edmond flexed his shoulders. The prince backed up.

  "Wings? Dragon wings?" he shook his head. "Impossible." he snarled and raised his sword again.

  Edmond took his pipe out of his mouth. "Nothing is impossible." He breathed out.

  ***

  "Edmond, what the bloody hell happened?" roared Lord Askford, "You smell like you've been standing next to a funeral pyre. It's worse than the stinky weed you smoke." Lord Askford stomped alongside Edmond as they moved up toward the king. "Did you catch that treacherous son-of-a-goat of a prince?"

  "No, he went down that secret bolt-hole that ya keep telling everyone about. I followed him, but he must have dropped the torch into some oil or some such. The tunnel was a-fire and I don't think he will be a problem again." Edmond laid a hand on the lord's shoulder as Lord Askford began to turn back. "The fire is out, but ya will need to clean out the tunnel before it can be used again. Although, considering how many people know about it, you may want to block it off."

  The two men bowed to the king as they stepped up to the head of the table. The king looked at Edmond.

  "Is my brother dead?"

  Edmond nodded.

  "Very well, I would rather have been able to exile him, but it is probably better this way." He looked at Edmond. "Name your reward my friend. Gold? Jewels? I would be more than happy to give you a position as my adviser. Come, my friend, what would you have of me?"

  ***

  The next evening a thump in front of the little sod house announced Edmond's arrival, just before he stepped into his house. He smiled and patted the walls as he walked though the door. Lilly looked up at the sound of his footsteps. She jumped up to give him a hug. Then she stepped back and gave him a fierce frown.

  "Where the hell have you been, you old fool? You said you would be back yesterday at the most, or have you gotten so old that you can't count beyond one anymore?" She stamped her foot. "How am I to know if you're hurt or just out visiting the maidens?"

  Edmond hung his head. "I sure am sorry I worried you, dear. An old friend was in trouble, so I gave him a hand. He was nice enough to give me this here spinning wheel for my help."

  Edmond reached around the doorway and brought in a new spinning wheel.

  "He wanted to give me all sorts of fancy things. But I told him the only thing I needed to make me happy was a new spinning wheel to make my pretty wife happy." Edmond took out his pipe and frowned. "You are happy, aren't you, Lilly?"

  After they broke from the kiss, Lilly stared into his eyes for a minute.

  "Well, you old dragon, let's see if you can still light a fire."

  Later, a nearly full moon was eclipsed by a large winged shape. On the back of the shape rode a feminine figure, her cloak flapping in the wind. A pipe sat in a dish on the table with short-winged rivulets of smoke jumping and frolicking to the ceiling.

  Will-o’-the-Wisp

  Edmond entered the town of Askford Keep. The sun stood shy of noon, a time when the markets should be open and the people active. But not today. Dust formed a fog hanging above the ground. No smoke rose from the chimneys. No children played in the street or around the house of the healer, Adaline.

  "Unusual." Edmond said moving his dragon-shaped pipe from one corner of his mouth to the other. "Odd."

  Edmond stopped in the street, his staff, two inches taller than the lanky, leathery, six-foot man, thumped the ground. His salt and pepper hair ruffled in the breeze that whipped through the barren streets. Edmond's craggy face appeared old, but his movements were steady, and his eyes sparkled.

  Smoke from Edmond's pipe curled down the street. He looked to the hill where Lord Askford's castle stood. No flags of mourning hung on the walls. Edmond turned in a circle.

  "Something ain't right. It's so quiet you'd think Lord Askford was dead. But last I heard he was visiting the King."

  Edmond continued down to a cross street where he turned left. He passed three houses and came to a building with a sign swinging from a pole, painted with a glyph of a fox. Edmond liked Clancy, who often had hand-me-downs from Lord Askford's storerooms.

  Edmond smiled as he remembered Lord Askford's full belly laugh when Edmond described Clancy as “A man trying to be greedy, but not very good at it. Though if he ain't careful he could be.”

  The shop's door stood closed and barred from the inside. Edmond's face changed to a puzzled frown. Clancy never closed his shop, not even when his father died. Edmond's eyes darkened to a dark gray. He tapped on the door.

  "Go away, damn it, I'm not open."

  Edmond hit the door three more times. "Clancy, it's Edmond. What's going on here?"

  "Go the hell away!"

  Edmond blinked. He stepped back. Clancy barred his doors with oak. Edmond flexed, his shadow winging wide across the door while his pipe gave off a strong, steady trickle of smoke. His foot lashed out and hit the door halfway up. He walked through the opening, the door halfway across the room.

  Clancy huddled in a corner with an jug in his arms. His eyes were red and teary, while his usually immaculate white shirt and silk vest were stained and dirty.

  "Clancy what's going on?" said Edmond, "I ain't never seen it so quiet in this here town or you in this kind of condition. Where's Mabel and the kids?"

  "Mabel is with the priest." A sob racked the large man, "Denny and Foxglove are gone."

  Clancy sobbed, tears coursing down his checks. Edmond crossed the room to kneel down and placed a knurled hand on Clancy's shoulder.

  "What happened, old friend?"

  "We don't know. Three children disappeared yesterday. Denny and Foxglove disappeared this morning." Clancy's voice rose to a howl.

  Edmond sat back, a trickle of smoke coming from his pipe. "I reckon you tried to find the kids?" Clancy nodded. "Well I ain't tried yet. Where did they disappear from?"

  ***

  Edmond and Clancy were looking at the small garden behind the trader's shop. The smell of herbs hung in the air. A wood stood behind the garden, a breeze ruffling the tree tops.

  "They were playing here. I had told them to stay close because of the disappearances." Clancy shivered. "When Mabel checked, they were gone. We had everyone looking for them."

  Edmond bent in half, looking, smoke scuttled along the ground. He circled the garden. Finally he waved Clancy to join him and dived into the woods.

  Puffing, Clancy caught up to Edmond. "What did you find?"

  "The kids went to the east. They may have been following something, magic’s obscuring the trail. You got Will-o’-the-wisps around ‘bout?"

  "No one has mentioned any."

  Edmond stopped and looked at the trail. He fingered a leaf then a flower petal. He took off again, his staff clearing the way.

  "I reckon I'm going to be late getting home.” He said. “Lilly ain't going to be happy, 'specially if I don't get the kids home safe. So we better find them."

  ***

  Two hours later Edmond broke into a small clearing. A weed covered path lead up hill to an old castle covered in ivy. Clancy stood panting. Edmond leaned his head against his staff. A sparkle of light caught his eye.

  "I thought so. Pesky fairies." Edmond stomped to the edge of the clearing, his pipe billowing. "I sometimes think this here world would be better off if them bugs were all exterminated."

  Edmond stopped when he stood in a circle of mushrooms. Clancy huffed to a stop outside the circle. Sparkles of light began to twirl around Edmond as a high pitched giggle came from the air.

  "All right you pest, what's going on here?" Edmond waited. "I ain't playing games you. I want to know what happened to the children. Take a good look at me." Edmond breathed a long stream of smoke as a shadow crept over the ring. The giggling stopped.

  Edmond cocked his head to listen. "You say the person in the castle told you to lead the children there?" Clancy strained but only heard buzzing as Edmond continued. "He said if you didn't he would destroy your grove." Edmond gripped his pipe
with his teeth. "Alright I'll let you off, but don't lead anymore children here or you'll deal with me.” The buzzing and the lights swirled up and down.

  Edmond turned to Clancy. "The kids are in the castle."

  Edmond turned and headed to the castle. The path narrowed and at times the trees were so low enough that five foot three inch Clancy had to duck. Edmond seemed to fold and twist through the brush like a lizard.

  ***

  The sun hung at mid-afternoon when Edmond and Clancy stood in front a large double door. Edmond examined the carved oak doors. The original finish had faded and recently someone carved new symbols into the doors.

  Edmond studied the carvings. A surprised puff of smoke escaped his lips. "Mansellen, I didn't think anyone knew that script anymore."

  Clancy looked at the old farmer. "How do you know any script?" Clancy blinked at his old friend. "I learned to read just enough so old Elgene couldn’t cheat me on my taxes."

  Edmond looked back at the worried man. "I was a soldier and a lot of other things, old friend. I picked up some scraps of learning before I retired with Lilly on that little farm of mine." Edmond turned to the doors. "This is only a spell to keep all enemies out." He reached out and the doors swung open as a plume of smoke danced from his pipe. "Of course it would help if whoever carved this spell knew how to spell." He chuckled and turned to Clancy. "Things are apt to get dicey. Might be best if you waited."

  Clancy shook his head. "I’ve always been angry because my father never had time for me. He was a soldier and always trying to make that little bit extra, only he never did. Now I realize I was pretty much the same focusing on money and not on my kids. I’m not going to let anything happen to them if I can help it."