A Snowball's Chance in Hell And Other Stories. Read online

  Edmond looked at him and moved his pipe from one side of his mouth to the other. "I wonder if I’m anything like my father? " He shook his head and gave Clancy a pat on the shoulder. "Let's get the kids."

  They stepped into the castle where dust covered the stone walls of the hall and a tattered, moth-eaten tapestry hung on the wall ahead of them. The left and right walls each had five doors. Their footsteps echoed as they stepped further into the hall. They both spun around as the doors slammed shut behind them.

  "We're trapped!" Clancy began pounding on the doors.

  Edmond shook Clancy's shoulder. "Calm down there." A puff of smoke skittered across the hall. "We came into this here castle to rescue the kids and we're not leaving without them. So let's not get panicky."

  Clancy took a deep breath and turned back to the hall as Edmond turned and stepped forward.

  "Welcome to my castle little ones." A high, sharp voice cut through the hall. "Behind nine of the doors are horrible monsters, behind the tenth door is a hallway which leads to me. Safety is just a hop, skip and bunny jump away."

  The echo faded away as Clancy twirled, looking for the voice. Edmond put out his staff and thumped him lightly on the chest.

  "Just a spell. The vermin is nowhere near. It don't look as though we will get any clues from the floor." Edmond pointed to the clean floor. "Must have a spell to hide the footprints."

  "How do you know so much about magic?" asked Clancy, looking sharply at Edmond. “I’m beginning to think I don’t really know you at all.”

  Edmond smiled and shook his head. "I ain’t so sure I know myself as well as I thought I did." He looked back at the door. "I ain’t seen my father in a long time, long enough to forget what he taught me and what I thought were things I didn’t like about him." Edmond leaned against his staff for a moment. "You just made me realize that maybe I’m more like him than I ever wanted to be. Yet so different." Edmond chuckled. "Stupid to stand here thinking about the past when we need to save the future."

  Edmond walked up to the first door on the south wall. The door was plain brown wood, except for a white mark on about belly high to the old man. Clancy glanced at the mark then looked at the other doors.

  "They all have the same mark on them. How are we suppose to choose the right door?" Clancy's voice shook.

  "They ain't all the same. They have the same pattern of squares, the bottom is a single square, then two squares, a single square, then two, then a single square on top." Edmond blew a smoke-ring. "The voice gave us a clue when he said that safety was a hop, skip and bunny jump away." He pointed to a circle in the second row, right square. "That's the name of a game that involves closing your eyes and tossing a ring into five rows of squares laid out in this pattern. Each square has its own meaning and depending on which square the ring lands, you have to do a pattern of hops, skips and jumps." Edmond turned to Clancy. "The different doors have the little circle in different squares." Edmond tapped the circle. "This here circle will tell us which is the right door."

  He turned and walked to the second door. "The first square is called the 'fools' square and involves starting at the end and jumping backwards. The second row are called the 'baby squares'. The third is the 'dancer' square and the fourth row is called the 'bunny' squares. The last is the 'demon' square." The circle on that door was in the fifth row and both Edmond and Clancy smelled a faint trace of sulfur in the air.

  Edmond walked on to the fourth door where the circle had been drawn in the fourth row, left-hand square. "When the circle falls into the left-hand 'bunny' square, you are safe and don't have to perform any complicated jumps, just a five easy hops." Edmond reached down and grasped the door handle and stepped into a long hallway.

  Clancy stepped through behind Edmond. The door swung shut behind them, the sound echoing. A musty smell hung in the hallway along with cobwebs and dust. A shy breeze slipped through the hall, stirring the dust. Edmond pointed down to the floor.

  "There have been kids here. I can see five different footprints."

  Clancy shivered. "There are five kids, including mine, missing from our village." They moved along trying doors on either side of the hall. "How did you know that kids game? We used to play something like it when I was a kid, but I don't remember the rules."

  Edmond chuckled, a stream of smoke danced up to the ceiling. "Every time I come to town I spend a little time watching the kids play. It helps me know what it's like to be young." Edmond frowned. "I never got to play much as a kid, my father was busy training me to be like him. I guess when you get to be four or five hundred years old you want to be young again."

  Clancy gave a forced chuckle. "Maybe I need to try that. Just to help me know my kids better."

  "Now little ones comes your next test." Clancy and Edmond stopped as the high pitched voice continued. "In front of you is a riddle, speak it right and I won't feed you to my troll." The voice faded.

  Edmond scratched his head looking at the floor ahead. The next section changed from the brown cobble stone to gray stones, two feet by two feet in size with a few red stones of the same size. The whole area lay ten stones wide by ten stones long. The first, fourth, eighth and last row had gray stones. There didn't seem to be a pattern of red stones, they were spaced with at least one gray stone between them and no more than two between them.

  Edmond took his pipe out of his mouth and tamped out the spent dragon weed leaves. He tucked the pipe into his belt. Holding his staff, he jumped onto the middle stone of the first set of red blocks.

  "Call to hunt, call to hunt.

  The Fox runs and the dogs hunt.

  Between two bears the Fox runs.

  To visit the badger's house at the rising sun.

  Jump the lazy old hound.

  To visit the owl between two crows and ask what air smells like.

  Four ponies stand tall.

  The eastern one will let you ride.

  Go west to visit the wise hare and ask what water tastes like.

  Jump the fence and run straight to the Farmers house.

  The dogs are lost while Fox dines on farmer’s chickens."

  Edmond jumped to the right, then over the gray row to the left, then right, then left and straight over the eighth row, then over the last gray row of stones to land on the brown stones of the hallway.

  Edmond took out his pipe and turned back to Clancy on the other side of the test. "Now then Clancy, you remember the rhyme and the jumps?"

  Clancy closed his mouth and shook his head. "Ok" said Edmond. "Then, I'll getcha through it. First you want to land in the middle red stone."

  Five minutes later, a sweat-drenched Clancy stood on the other side. Edmond slapped him on the back then pushed some fresh leaves into his pipe. "Now that wasn't so bad. Heck, your kids do it all the time."

  "My kids don't spend all day counting their profits."

  "Ha, you finally admit it." Edmond lit up his pipe with a chuckle, "Still, I‘ve always known there was more to you than greed." He started down the corridor, "We best get a move on."

  "That may be," said Clancy as they moved down the hall. "I thought there might be when I married Mable and when the children were born. But nothing changed, I still was obsessed with money. It wasn’t until this happened that I felt different, now I feel as though I can change."

  They came to where the corridor turned right and Edmond looked back at the small, pudgy man. "Sometimes it takes a real shock, a real change in your life to make you realize you can change." He scratched his chin. "I know it took a real change in me to realize people were more than playthings, but something to be admired and respected." They turned the corner and looked down the hallway to see a giant spider web blocking the corridor.

  "Now my brave young ones, your next test." said the high pitched voice, "Dodge the spider and you'll be safe."

  Edmond jumped forward and looked up. Clancy followed his gaze and screamed. High above them a young girl, about twelve, kicked at a three foot long
, black spider. Next to her a shriveled mummy of a young boy lay tangled in webbing.

  Clancy ran forward screaming. "We have to kill it, Edmond! We have to kill it!" as he grabbed the first strand of the web.

  His hand stuck to the thick cable and he pulled and screamed. Edmond ran and grabbed him by the shoulders.

  "Stop it, you idiot. You can't help her if you don't keep your head." Edmond looked up and his eyes widened.

  The spider stopped trying for the girl. It stood, its legs spread as though listening. Edmond shook Clancy,

  "Keep tugging that web. Let's get that there spider down where we can kill it."

  Clancy looked up and gently tugged. The spider turned. Clancy tugged again and Edmond took three steps back, his staff held waist high. The spider darted halfway down the web.

  Clancy tugged faster. "Great God Elmran. It's moving so quickly."

  "Keep your head. Our brains'll help as much as the god of merchants will. I'll take care that she don't get you."

  Clancy tugged again and the spider cut the distance in half, its jaws flexing. Then it sprang and Clancy saw a large cavern between it‘s jaws. He heard a loud crack and the spider was gone. Edmond stood in front of him, his staff a blur with two cracks of thunder following behind. Edmond backed up and Clancy saw the twitching legs of the spider.

  "Papa! Edmond! Get me down!" The wail came from the ceiling.

  Edmond looked up. "We'll getcha down in a moment, darling."

  He walked over to the wall and took down a cobwebbed torch. Edmond kept his back to Clancy for a moment, then turned with a burning torch . A few minutes later, he melted the web to free Clancy.

  "How are we going to free Foxglove?"

  "Let me have that vest of yours?"

  Clancy tugged off his silk vest, giving it to Edmond and taking Edmond's staff and the torch. Edmond took out his knife and cut the vest into several pieces. He placed a small strip of cloth over the first strand of the web, then reached up and placed a strip of cloth over the second strand. Edmond continued placing strips of cloth and climbing. Within a few minutes he reached Foxglove. He cut the strands around her, took her in one arm.

  Edmond reached the floor then removed the webbing from Foxglove. "Now young'un where is your brother?" asked Edmond.

  "He messed up at the Fox Hunt and disappeared." Foxglove started to sniffle. Clancy held her close. "I messed up the rhyme for the Spider Web and all of a sudden I was in the web."

  Edmond puffed his pipe as he took his staff back from Clancy. "Alright, the answer to all this is further on so lets see if I can remember the rhyme. You two follow right behind me."

  Edmond stepped through the first layer of webbing.

  "Spider jump left to catch a fly.

  Spider jump up to catch a bug.

  Spider jump back to dodge the wasp.

  Spider jump, jump.

  Watch the spider jump forward to catch the slow bug."

  Edmond jumped out of the web and looked back to see Foxglove and her father laughing.

  "What’s so darn funny?" he said.

  "You looked silly, reciting that nursery rhyme and jumping like a bug." gasped Clancy while Foxglove giggled.

  Edmond shook his head. "Better silly than spider bait." He smiled. "When you two get yourselves under control, you all can follow." He turned and looked on down the hallway.

  The hall ended in a door, twenty feet from where Edmond stood. Edmond moved up to the door just as Clancy and Foxglove hopped out of the web. He looked at the white wood where fresh symbols had been carved.

  "More misspelled spells." muttered the old man as Clancy and Foxglove joined him.

  "Welcome young ones, you have completed the tests. Join me now." The door opened up.

  Edmond shoved open the door and stepped into a dark room with a small candle on an oak table near the right-hand wall. Behind the table sat a shadowy form facing a heavily curtained window. The form turned as Edmond entered.

  "Welcome." The voice broke, "What? You are not a child." The sharp voice squeaked as the shadowy form slipped down, then sat back up, "What are you doing here?"

  Edmond walked up to the table, his pipe pulsing a steady stream of smoke. "I am here to bring back the children you have taken. I want them now." Edmond's eyes flashed as he thumped his staff on the table.

  The figure tilted back, then forward, arms pin wheeling. A gasp of air, then a pause as the form shifted his cloak followed by a chuckle.

  "That would be rather difficult, as my troll, Dung, has eaten them all except for the ones caught by my spider."

  Edmond slammed his staff down on the table cracking it in half. "You better hope that troll ain't eaten the boy that came this morning. Where is he?" Edmond leaned forward, raising his staff. The figure shrank back and pointed to a door off to the left.

  Edmond turned to Clancy. "You two watch this piece of garbage. I'll deal with him when I get back." Edmond moved to the door, his foot lashing out and he walk through the scattered splinters.

  The door lead to a flight of stairs that dropped into a dark pit. Edmond moved silently down the stairs. Ten feet. Twenty feet. Thirty feet. The faint light from the room glittered high above him when Edmond reached the bottom. He sniffed the air and wrinkled his nose.

  "You can always tell when a troll's about. Ain't no stink the same."

  Edmond reached over and pulled a torch from the wall. He took his pipe out of his mouth and breathed on the torch. It burst into flames. Edmond looked around. The circular room was interrupted in two places, the stairs where Edmond had come down and a single doorway straight across from the stairs. A pair of moldy green eyes looked out from the doorway.

  "Glurb." said a deep voice as a large, ugly head moved out of the doorway.

  "I'll tell you what, troll." said Edmond as he raised his staff, "You give me the boy, unhurt, and I won't hurt you."

  A burbly laugh answered Edmond as the troll stomped out and stood seven feet tall and five feet wide. Dried blood stained the steely fur of its chest. A large wooden club scraped along in its left hand. It paused then screamed and jumped, swinging its club.

  Edmond folded, going from six foot to three feet, his staff swung down to his side, then up to catch the troll just below his breastbone. Using the staff as a lever, Edmond catapulted the troll across the room and into the wall. Stone cracked.

  The troll sat up and shook his head. It chuckled. It stood up and ran at Edmond, the club a blur above its head. Edmond dropped, then sprang up into the air just as the troll's club crashed into the stone floor. Large cracks spider webbed from the pulverized stone. Edmond landed behind the troll, staff swinging. A loud crack sounded as his staff slammed into the troll's neck.

  The troll turned and Edmond rammed the butt of his staff into its ear. The troll's eyes went wide as it screamed. Edmond swung his staff around hitting the troll across the nose. The troll backhanded Edmond.

  Edmond found himself up against the stone wall, his pipe gone and the end of his staff a foot shorter, the jagged ends of the cured oak forming a small cluster of needles. The troll rubbed his ear. Edmond spat blood and stood up, but the room kept tilting on him.

  The troll screamed and Edmond saw three trolls running toward him. He ducked and swung his staff up as the troll raised its club. Edmond felt the chips of stone pierce his neck as the club slammed into the wall above his head. The troll's scream changed and Edmond's staff jerked out of his hand.

  Edmond's vision cleared and he saw the troll backing away, his staff embedded in its belly. The troll dropped its club, screaming as it rushed toward Edmond. Edmond dived to the right as the troll slammed into the wall, driving the staff deeper into its belly.

  The troll turned and faced Edmond again. Edmond crouched down. The troll tipped to the left and fell. Edmond waited. Then he backed up to the torch, picked it up and moved toward the troll.

  "You trolls ain't smart enough to be tricky. But there's always a chance you are sma
rter than most." Edmond moved closer. "Nope, you ain't breathing, so I suspect you're dead."

  Edmond moved to the doorway and spotted his pipe on his way. He picked it up, started to put it in his mouth, then noticed that there was a dark stain on the stem. Disgusted he tucked it into his belt. At the doorway, Edmond stopped and stuck the torch in.

  The doorway led to a small antechamber. Inside were several small pieces of bone and torn, bloody clothing. Tucked in one corner a small bundle of clothing lay on the floor, shaking. Edmond walked in and knelt to touch the bundle. He examined the boy. The boy stirred as Edmond checked his legs.

  "Its ok, Denny. It's just old Edmond. I'm here to take you to your Pa."

  Edmond frowned as he looked at the boy's left leg, broken with a large bite mark. He reached into his pouch and pulled out a handful of dragon weed. He crushed it into a powder and sprinkled it into the wound. Then he picked up the boy who took hold of the old man's neck. With the torch in his left hand, Edmond retraced his way upstairs.

  ***

  As Edmond came through the doorway at the top of the stairs, he spotted Clancy standing in front of Foxglove holding a chair between himself and the shadowy figure that now stood with a silver globe in one hand and the fingers of his right moving in a rhythmic pattern until a small ball of energy leaped from his fingers and smashed the chair. Edmond swung back his left arm and tossed the torch straight into the shadow's back.

  As the shadowy figure danced around, slapping at his cloak and screaming, Edmond put Denny down by the doorway. "Stay put while I help your pa." He said to the boy.

  Just then the cloaked figure stopped dancing and said a few words. All the fires died down and went out, plunging the room into darkness. Edmond heard the stumbling footsteps of the villain and the slow breathing of Clancy and quick breaths of Foxglove, just as he heard a muttered word that ignited the torch by the table. He turned to find himself facing a small, pimply young man.

  "You will regret interfering with me, old man." The youth paused and looked confused for a second. "How did you get away from Dung?"

  "I killed the troll." Edmond pointed to the silver globe. "A life battery. That's why you lured the children here, to suck their life energy as they died. I suppose you’ll transfer it to yourself?" Edmond moved forward a step, "Give me that there globe, so I can destroy it, then get out of my way. The boy's hurt bad and I need to get him help and I don't have time to deal with you now, but you can bet I‘ll deal with you later."