A Snowball's Chance in Hell And Other Stories. Read online

  Carefully stepping further in, I saw broken glass on the floor along with a broken ceramic animal and a empty Pepsi Cola bottle. I looked back by the door and knelt down and brushed off the dirt on top of a orange box. Opening it up, I saw several flares and grabbed two as I stood up.

  A noise came from the back. I stiffened and listened. A chuff-snort. Dediedes? I moved toward the door. Something shoved on the back door which creaked and snapped. I backed up through the front door and ducked to the side. Another crash and creak from the door. I looked across the road and ran.

  I just made the road when I heard a crash. I reached the wash and ran up the rocky slope, wishing I had kept in better shape.

  Puffing and panting, I reached the top of the ridge. I turning I looked back, my legs shaking. A dark shape slipped up the wash behind me, only a hundred yards away. I looked around, then down at my hands. The flares.

  I pulled the cap on the first flare and lit the flare. The burst of light made me blink and realize just how dark it was. I heard a howl as the dark shape slunk behind a boulder. I dropped the flare, turned and ran down the path. I reached the beginning of the spiral and stopped. A dark shape lay on the path and I knelt down to pick up a worn book. A howl came up behind me. I ran down the path, following the spiral, feeling the twist inside. The sun, just halfway over the horizon, blinded me, making my eyes water as I stumbled from the path, turning to look behind me. A dark shape materialized and leapt toward me screaming as it burst into flame.

  I turned and ran down the path to the wash, scrambled to the road. The road lay unbroken. I heard a faint explosion above and behind me. A motorhome came wallowing around the curve and swept past me. I checked the road, then ran across to my car. Seated safely inside with the door closed, I tossed the last flare into the passenger seat and looked down at the book.

  The first page had Moonlight's name in a childishly embellished script decorated with flowers. Moonlight Peterson, her diary. I turned to the next page.

  The diary started in July 23, 1963 on Moonlight's twelfth birthday. She had received the diary as a birthday present along with a flute and doll. They were living in a trailerhouse behind the Tony's store. Moonlight enjoyed the life there, helping plant a garden, helping their neighbors with their chores. Life seemed pretty good for the young girl, especially when she met the young Indian boy, Robert Ramirez who, with his family, moved into the trailer next to them. They had fun together and played out near the river.

  A year later, August 12, 1964, it began. That night the Darkone came and Moonlight watched Dediedes tear her parents apart, drinking their blood and feeding on them. Then he turned to her and made her an offer, join with him and be his daytime eyes and helper or join her parents in death. Moonlight chose to live.

  I couldn't blame her for that. After experiencing what Dediedes could do to a human being, I don't know that I would have made a different choice. I shuddered at the thought of the taste of blood in my mouth.

  The next diary entries were of a frightened girl. The night after her parents death, Moonlight went on her first hunt, joined with Dediedes. It scared her. Then she began to accepted what she had become. With no one to protect her or her world, she had to do what was necessary to survive. A week later they had gathered enough power and Dediedes showed her how to block the sun and open the gate for the rest of the Darkones and their companions to enter the world. After that the entries became more and more irregular.

  One final entry from three weeks ago when her old friend, Robbie, came to face her. She wrote how she laughed as Dediedes hunted him down. No regrets, just exhilaration of the hunt and the realization that they had nearly emptied the world of people. The Darkones were beginning to go hungry. They chose Dediedes to once again find a new world.

  I sat back in my car and closed the book. They were here to open this world to the Darkones and I had the chance to join with them. To live, and be like Moonlight, to have near immortality.

  I looked up at the sun shining through my windshield. Would I be willing to give up the sun to live forever in a dark world? To live off of other peoples lives or to fight for my land? I had to choose now. I pulled the keys out of my pocket and started the car. Time to go home.

  ***

  I parked on the edge of the driveway, putting my car under one of my trees. I could feel them both faintly, Dediedes in the shed, Moonlight in the house. Stepping out of the car and tucking the keys into my pocket, I turned to walk through the orchard to the house. I enjoyed the cool morning air as I looked up at the trees. Tall date trees, their green fronds spreading out to filter the sun. The dates were nearly ready to harvest, I thought as I reached the edge of the orchard and paused for a moment while looking toward the house. I couldn't see anyone in the windows.

  "Calm down, silly." I whispered. I walked toward the house and stepped up to the side office door. I tugged the door and opened it a few inches and slid through.

  I moved to my desk looking up briefly at my father's old shotgun on the wall. Maybe I should? No, better to leave it here. I opened the top right drawer and grabbed the DeSoto keys by the box of shotgun shells, then froze. Something moving in the hallway. I heard a soft scuff along the wooden floor.

  Quick, out the door and I ran to the orchard. Two trees in, I turned and ran north. My side ached. I turned again and came out by the shed.

  This would have been easier if the large doors could be opened, but I kept those keys in the kitchen and I don't think Moonlight would let me walk out with the keys. I probably got away with this because she didn't know about the office door.

  I trotted up to the small side door and stopped. Gulping warm air, I listened. I wiped the sweat out of my eyes. I could feel Dediedes inside, but would he be awake?

  My hands shook as I pushed the door open. I took a deep breath and ran to the car. Opening the door, I jumped inside then pulled the door shut. The car smelled musty with age and dust.

  I nearly dropped the key trying to get it into the ignition. Clutch, got to push the clutch. I was glad Dad had me drive the tractor and learn to use a clutch. Something smelled like dog. I turned the key.

  The engine caught, sputtered, but kept going. The old car had a column shift and I had watched Dad use it a couple of times, but I really had no idea how to work it. I grabbed the shift lever, pulled it back and up. A loud bang came from behind and something hit the back of the seat. I looked around and saw that the back seat had been pushed forward and Dediedes twisting as he came out of the trunk. He moved quickly and I screamed as his clawed hand grabbed the seat. His head rose up and his mouth opened and I saw the red of his palette.

  My whole body stiffened as I twisted away, my right foot went down and my left foot slipped off the clutch. I heard the car's tires squeal on the concrete floor as I tried to take in enough air to scream.

  DeSotos are made of tough metal, a lot tougher than my Saturn. The old car jumped forward and blew through the sheetmetal doors like they were gauze curtains. I saw the doors fold over the top of car as Dediedes started to climb over the seat. The doors slipped off the car and sunlight burst through the windshield.

  Three beings screamed as the Darkone burst into flame. Dediedes scream lasted a second. Mine for three seconds and I don't think Moonlight ever stopped.

  I pulled my foot off the gas and pulled at the door handle. I could smell smoke and see flame coming over the seat. The Desoto stalled and jerked as I pushed the door open and scrambled out of the car. I rolled as I hit the ground, my hair flapping around into my face.

  I lay in the dirt for a minute or two trying to convince myself I could still breathe, I got to my feet, shoving my hair out of my face. A loud explosion made me flinch as I saw the rear side window of the Desoto shatter. I swallowed and turned.

  Moonlight stood a dozen feet away from me with Dad's old shotgun, her face red, saliva running down one side of her mouth. Her mouth contorted into an ugly frown.

  "You filthy, dung-eating bitch!" She
stomped her feet, dust rising around her legs. "How dare you kill Dediedes."

  "You killed those people, so it's only fair."

  She dropped the barrel of the shotgun as she flung back one hand and threw something at me. That invisible something smashed me in the face, knocking me to the ground. I rolled over and pushed myself to my knees. When I touched my nose, my hand came away with blood.

  "Stay on your knees, cow."

  "I thought you loved me, Moonlight."

  "Shut up!" Her voice shrill.

  I turned to face her, pushing my hair back again. "You said you loved me."

  "Be quiet." This time she hit me in the side, I coughed and gasped.

  I fought back the pain. "You loved me, you said so. Just like you loved your parents." I turned to look at her. "You loved your family, Moonlight." I got to my knees. "You couldn't stop the Darkones from killing them, but I'm going to stop the Darkones from killing any more people." I started to stand.

  "No!" She hit me again and I thought the side of my face would cave in. Again and I felt my arm go numb. "I didn't do it. I didn't..." I heard a sob. "I didn't want to." She screamed and hit me again, knocking me face-down into the dirt. "I'll kill you! You did it. You're responsible for them dying!"

  I slowly stood up, staggering. "No, Moonlight, I'm not responsible for their deaths and neither are you. But you are responsible for other deaths, like Robbie's."

  She stared at me, her mouth open. "How did you?"

  "I found your diary. You were glad to hunt your old friend, just like you would be glad to hunt me." I looked over at her, the shotgun pointed downward and wondered if I could make it to her. "How many people have you helped kill over the last forty years?"

  She looked at me and slowly raised the shotgun. "Well, shall we make it one more?" I jumped sideways and heard a loud roar. "I can still open the gate you know. I still know how to raise the power. You could have helped me."

  I scrambled around the burning car and ran. Another explosion from the shotgun. I felt several stings on my leg and back as my leg went out from under me. I rolled to the right hoping to keep the car between us. I felt the heat of the fire and heard the crackle of the metal. Smoke blew past me, burning my nose. I twisted around and got to my knees.

  Moonlight moved forward and frowned.

  "You could have been with me forever. You could have been my friend and lover. But you chose this."

  "You don't have to kill me." I said, "Put that gun down and we'll talk."

  "No." She yelled, "I'll kill you and then your friends and I'll open the gate so everyone can join us in the hunt."

  I caught a movement out of the corner of my eye. I jerked my head around to look at the car. A black shape erupted out of the open door. Moonlight twisted and screamed.

  "No, Dediedes, no."

  The flaming figure groped blindly. A wildly swinging hand hit Moonlight's arm and grabbed. She screamed again as the burning figure pulled her close. I tried to stand but my leg gave out and I hit the ground.

  A blinding flash and a rush of hot air blew past me, scorching my hair. I struggled to get to my knees and then to my feet. Suddenly I was dizzy and fell, this time into darkness.

  A loud bang brought me around. I blinked and slowly climbed to my knees. This time I managed to get to my feet just as a rear tire blew. I must have only been out a minute or two. The car still burned, but only a small crater marked where Moonlight and Dediedes had been. That side of the car seemed to be melting in the heat. I felt the back of my head and hair crackled and came loose in my hands.

  I turned and limped away from the burning car, wondering how I could put it out. I had to save my orchard. I had to protect the land and this world. No one would believe me if I told them what happened, so I would have to remain here to guard the gate. I noticed a pickup coming down the lane, dust flying as the red vehicle bumped and dove over the potholes. Good old Jimmy Henderson, my neighbor, coming to help. I sat down to wait for him. He would get the water hose going and my orchard would be safe. I looked over at the trees. Would other Darkones come? I'll have to be ready to stop them, but right now it's time to think about the harvest. After all, no one else could care for this land or protect it like a Fry.

  A Snowball’s Chance in Hell

  "Lucifer, I hate this job." Melvin said as he rinsed off his hip-high rubber-asbestos boots with boiling water, wrinkling his nose at the stench of the muck from the Slough of Despair. "One little lapse. Who would have thought giving one little glass of water to a poor soul would get me busted from 132nd level to 253rd level and he never even got to have a drink." Melvin kicked off his boots. "So what if I'm the only demon to sink so low, that doesn't mean I don't have feelings. It doesn't mean I don't try to do a good job. I'm not even allowed to help dip people in the muck. Not that I want to with all that moaning and groaning, poor souls. All I get to do is make sure the muck is mixed and that there are the requisite number of leeches." Melvin's voice rose three octaves. "Make sure there are six thousand leeches in each section, no more and no less." Melvin kicked his boots into a corner. "It's not fair!"

  "Of course it's not fair, you little turd." said a deep voice from behind Melvin. "This is Hell, after all."

  Melvin spun around and dropped to the ground to grovel properly to his supervisor. Melvin whimpered at the right pitch and earned a kick to show he did things right.

  "You finally got the mix right in section three, but you let the leeches all move to section two. The damned in section one and three didn’t have a single leech on them today." Mustoph growled. "You need to get back there and spread those leeches out."

  "But it's after hours." whined Melvin.

  "Get your ass back to the slough. Now!" Mustoph's voice cracked a stone three feet away.

  Melvin grovelled lower and banged his head on the ground. He crawled backward a few feet then looked up to see if Mustoph had left. He stood up and moved over to his boots.

  "Sacred jerk-off." muttered Melvin as he pulled on his boots. "I don’t see him putting in overtime." Melvin stood up and walked to the edge of the slough. "Why do I have to come back.?"

  "Because I said to!" roared Mustoph as Melvin felt himself pushed from behind to land facedown in the slough. "Now quit grousing and take care of those leeches."

  ***

  Melvin scooped up another bucket full of leeches and splashed back to section three. He hated section three. It was the deepest part and Melvin had to avoid the thrashing humans. He dumped the load of leeches, and turned back to section two. He started to pass a Stinkwood tree when something fell out of the sky to land on the tree's roots. Melvin looked at the white, fluffy, round object. He swallowed. He moved closer and looked it over. It radiated coolness. He reached out and touched one of the white hair-like flakes and shivered from the cold as fear made sweat trickle down his back.

  It couldn't be, he thought. It's not allowed. Melvin looked at the white, round object, flattened where it landed on the root. It could only be one thing. He swallowed the lump in his throat. A snowball. In Hell. Lucifer condemn us all!

  Everyone, but everyone, knew what would happen if a snowball survived in Hell. Probabilities changed. Hell destroyed. The condemned were set free and Melvin understood the need for punishment, he just thought Hell overdid it a bit. Even the Creator feared such an event. What could He possibly do with several million unemployed demons? Melvin moved closer to the object. He had never before seen a snowball, but then he had never left Hell. Melvin reached out and touched it again. Cold, much colder than anything Melvin had ever touched. He stepped back. What in Hell’s name should he do?

  Melvin dumped his bucket then reached over and scooped the object in. He sloshed his way to the shore. Kicking off his boots, he stumbled and dropped the bucket. The snowball flew out and fell into a mud puddle. Melvin smiled as he watched steam rise from the hot, muddy water. Then he frowned. The snowball sat in the water. He reached over and pulled it out. The flattened side was brown
and dripping muddy water.

  Melvin walked to a hot spring that supplied water to the slough. He shoved the snowball under the water. He held it under the running water until his skin began to blister. Then the water began to slow and turn to a hard, glassy surface. Melvin pulled his hand out, cracking the ice. The snowball sparkled in the flaming light of Hell. Melvin stared at the white surface of the unaffected snowball, then at the frozen stream. He swallowed and turned to run toward the hills.

  ***

  When Melvin reached an area with boulders, he placed the snowball on top of a large basalt boulder and grabbed a big rock. He slammed the rock down on top of the snowball. He struck again and again until the rock shattered in his hand and the boulder cracked in half. He stood there, hands on his knees, panting. When he opened his eyes and looked down, he saw the snowball, gray with rock dust, still rounded on top, resting on its flat side in the center of the cracked boulder. Melvin stared. How could anything as soft and squishy as that snowball stand up to a smashing by a rock? The boulder certainly couldn't. Melvin reached in and picked up the snowball. He poked its springy top. What should he do now?

  "Melvin, you little prick, what are you doing out here instead of getting those leeches spread out?" Mustoph's voice growled behind Melvin. "Are you just stupid or are you trying to get busted to 254th level?"

  Melvin spun around, dropping the snowball. He quickly stepped on it and bowed his head.

  "But I did mix them up." He raised his head a little to look at the seven foot tall demon. "I was thinking of gathering some salt to put in section two. That would help to drive the leeches to the other sections."

  "You moron!" Mustoph started to turn purple, his sharp teeth glimmered in the flaming light. "That would drive all the leeches out of section two. That means there wouldn't be any leeches at all in section two." Mustoph started to sputter. "What kind of idiot are you? Why am I stuck with the stupidest demon in all of Hell?"