A Snowball's Chance in Hell And Other Stories. Read online

  "I didn't think of that." said Melvin. "I just hate having to keep moving leeches."

  Mustoph stomped his foot, cracking the ground. Melvin gulped as he watched the crack move toward his foot. It crept forward as Mustoph kept stomping the ground.

  "An idiot. The stupidest of the stupid in all of Hell." Mustoph stopped and glared at Melvin. "I want you back at the Slough of Despair and I want those leeches shifted to each section of the slough. Then I want you to recheck the mixture of the muck for each section and if it isn't perfect by morning, I'm going to personally dunk you head first into each section. Is that clear?"

  "Yes, sir." Melvin slumped with relief as he saw the crack stop at his big toe.

  "Good." Mustoph stomped again and the crack split the ground under Melvin's foot and he felt the snowball drop. "Now get back to work." Mustoph stomped away from Melvin, disappearing into the haze that filled Hell.

  Melvin moved his foot and looked down. He could see a spot of white inside the crack. He lay down and looked down the split in the earth. The snowball was at least four feet down the narrow fissure. The gap couldn't be more than four inches at the widest and narrowing quickly to three inches. Melvin reached down.. He twisted his arm and bent it in ways that brought tears to his eyes. He could feel the snowball at his fingertips.

  Melvin shifted a little and pushed his arm into the crack, scraping skin. His fingers reach the side of the snowball and he scraped a fingernail along the side of the snowball, pulling it up a little. His eyes watered, steam obscuring his vision as he worked for twenty minutes to get the snowball into his hand. He began to pull his arm back when the ground shook and the crack closed a quarter of an inch. Melvin yelped as he felt his arm squish and the bones bend. He tugged and pulled, feeling rocks dig into his skin and blood trickle down his arm.

  More blood flowed down his arm, soaking into the dirt and stone. Suddenly, his arm slipped free. Melvin found himself sitting on the ground, arm dripping blue-green blood, the snowball still whole in his hand.

  "Why are you still here and why did I get a report that the Slough of Despair has frozen and what in the name of the Unholy do you have in your hand?" Melvin spun around to see Mustoph standing ten feet away, a shower cap on his head and a brush in his left hand with a shocked look on his face. "Is that? How did you get that sacred thing here? What kind of stupid moron are you? You know what that thing will do to Hell."

  Melvin waved his arms, shaking his head as he tried to sputter out what happened. Mustoph flinched as the snowball swung back and forth. Melvin stepped forward.

  "Eep! Keep that thing away from me, you little turd. You just wait until Krangreen hears about this. Your days are numbered and you'll be spending the last few thousand in real torment." Mustoph vanished in a billow of brimstone.

  Melvin looked around. What was he going to do now? He had to destroy the thing or he would really be in trouble. He heard a faint groan and a rumble. His eyes sparkled as he smiled. He danced a small jig and trotted toward a distant mountain. He should be near the top, thought Melvin, and if that boulder isn't big enough to squash this blessed snowball, then nothing would.

  ***

  Melvin watched as Sisyphus pushed the boulder a few more inches to the top. Melvin looked at the carefully placed snowball. He had placed it on the well-worn path of the boulder, a path several inches deeper than the surrounding terrain. It rested in the middle of the path about five feet from the bottom of the mountain that Sisyphus had been pushing the boulder up for over three thousand years. Melvin smiled and stepped back and down toward the bottom of the mountain. Any minute now, he thought.

  A groan came from above and a rumble as the boulder started on its journey back down the mountain with Sisyphus running behind. The boulder was smooth and there weren't any bumps in the path after so many years of wear. Melvin grinned as the boulder came closer and closer, then reached the snowball.

  The boulder hit the snowball and bounced. High. Right toward Melvin. Melvin screamed and ducked, feeling the boulder brush the top of his head. The boulder crashed off to the side and then banged into another boulder. Both boulders shattered and the fragments scattered across the ground. Melvin turned to look back at the path. The snowball rested where Melvin had placed it. He looked down the path to see Sisyphus hunched with his long beard tucked into his belt, looking around for his boulder. Sisyphus stood up and smiled. He stretched his back and Melvin could hear it pop several times. Sisyphus looked around, his smile getting bigger, then he started to dance. Melvin swallowed hard and ran to the path where he picked up the snowball.

  "What, by the Fallen One, is going on here?" Melvin flinched as the sharp voice ripped through the air. "Sisyphus, why aren't you pushing your boulder?" Melvin turned to see a short, crooked, wiry, big-eyed demon looking around. "Well, where is it?"

  "It crashed and broke." shouted Sisyphus as he danced around. "No more boulder to push. Just ask that little fellow what happened."

  Melvin swallowed as his fellow demon looked up at him. Suddenly there were two billows of yellow smoke and Mustoph stood beside the little demon along with a larger demon that Melvin recognized as Krangreen.

  "Melvin, what's going on here? Where is that snowball you smuggled into Hell?"

  The little demon flinched and looked around at the two other demons. "Snowball? Is that what he used to destroy my precious boulder? My precious, precious boulder." The little demon wrung his hands together. "Now Sisyphus has nothing to push up the mountain. Oh, what to do, what to do."

  Mustoph glared at Melvin. "So you're not content to ruin the Slough of Despair with your incompetence and your snowball? Now you are destroying the rest of Hell as well."

  "Melvin, 253rd level demon. You will bring that snowball here and submit to our wrath." Krangreen's loud voice sounded as though it was made by a thousand souls screaming. "But keep that sacred thing to yourself until we can destroy it and you at the same time."

  That doesn't sound like a good thing, thought Melvin, but what else could he do? He'd tried hot water. What about hellfire? If he could destroy the thing, maybe they wouldn't destroy him and he would only be tortured for a century or two. And he had to save Hell. Melvin turned and ran as fast as he could for the center of Hell.

  ***

  Melvin stood, panting and sweating as he looked at the flame that powered all of Hell. He looked up to see a small demon watching some dials and gauges as he adjusted a small wheel. Melvin crept closer to the white-hot flame under a large duct. The duct split and separated into thousands of smaller ducts. Melvin knew that each of those ducts lead to different areas, powering the flames of Hell.

  Melvin knelt down and crept closer to the flame, feeling his skin dry and blister. He reached out with his left hand, holding the snowball closer and closer to the flame. The snowball started to smoke slightly.

  "Hey, what are you doing?" screamed the little demon.

  Melvin flinched and pushed the snowball into the flame. The flame sputtered and went out. The absence of the bright light made it seem dark. Melvin pulled his hand back and looked down at the snowball as his eyes adjusted to the weaker light. Except for a brown spot on one of the hairy sides of the snowball, it was undamaged. Melvin looked up to see the little demon dancing up and down.

  "How dare you! Do you know how long it takes to relight that stupid pilot light?" The little demon started to hop in circles. "Hours and hours. I’ll be here hours getting it relit and then I’ll have to listen to another twelve hour lecture on how I should never let the eternal flame go out." The little demon stopped and pointed at Melvin. "And it’s all your fault."

  Three columns of yellow smoke billowed into the chamber and Mustoph and Krangreen appeared with the little demon who supervised Sisyphus. Mustoph blinked and looked around. He spotted Melvin and pointed him out to Krangreen.

  "There you are, you little piece of dung." Mustoph took a step forward. "You won’t cause anymore problems..." Mustoph spotted the empty chamber w
here the eternal flame should have been. "What? You dare put out the eternal flame?" He turned and glared at Melvin. "You are in such trouble that my butt puckers thinking about it." He stepped forward and reached toward Melvin. "You are coming with us to see Beelzebub."

  Melvin ducked and ran out of the chamber. What was he going to do now? He still had to destroy this snowball. And he had to stay away from Mustoph or his torture would start early, because it wasn’t likely that Mustoph would care to listen to reason now, not that he ever had. Far off in the distance he saw a glimmer of reddish light. The Hills of Knives, he thought, if the heat doesn't melt this thing, the knives would slice it to pieces. He took off at a trot, his short legs pumping.

  ***

  Melvin arrived at the Hills of Knives. Not that anyone but a demon could tell, but Melvin could see that the forges and furnaces of Hell were rapidly fading. Souls were still punished and tortured. Screams rent the air of Hell. Melvin gasped as he reached the first of the glittering, heated knives that demons tossed lost souls onto. Melvin shook his head. The condemned never got used to the pain, their bodies continually healed and each time they were burned, cut or torn apart, it felt as painful as the first time. Melvin felt sorry for the souls, but what could he do? Melvin shuffled up to the first knife.

  He put a finger out and touched the blade. His skin blistered from the heat and he was instantly cut to the bone. He smiled as he sucked on his finger. He shoved the snowball down on one of the blades and saw the blade slice up though his hand. Pulling his hand from the blade, he watched the snowball. And watched. A trickle of smoke came from the white surface, but it didn't melt or steam or much of anything. Melvin shook his head. Doom. Hell was doomed. When a snowball could survive, what was left?

  Melvin felt a shudder rumble through the ground. The knife the snowball rested on suddenly rusted and crumbled to dust. Melvin looked to the east and saw the flames flicker and die out. He grabbed the snowball in his left hand and looked around. What could he do? Where could he take the blessed thing to destroy it?

  "What are you up to, you little twit?" Mustoph’s voice grumbled. "You see, my Lord Beelzebub, this little twerp has been disrupting other demons work and, as you can see, he has been vandalizing Hell itself."

  "That’s quite true, Lord Beelzebub." Melvin twitched as he heard Krangreen's voice. "He destroyed Sisyphus' boulder. Put out the flame at the center of Hell and now he's destroying the Hill of Knives."

  My Lord Beelzebub? Melvin slowly turned and looked up, and up. Towering behind Mustoph, the little demon who supervised Sisyphus, Krangreen, and the demon who stoked the flame of Hell was the last person Melvin had ever wanted to see again. He carefully kept his left hand behind him and swallowed.

  "Explain yourself." The lord demon’s voice rumbled like giant boulders grinding some poor soul to mush. "Why are you here and not at your duty?" Melvin swallowed. "And why have you got an illegal snowball?"

  "My Lord, I’m here because, ah, well, you see."

  "Where is that snowball?" Melvin’s ears rang from the volume of Beelzebub’s voice. "Show me now!"

  Melvin whimpered and then cried out. "Here, take it. I never wanted it."

  Melvin tossed the snowball to Mustoph. Mustoph cried out as he caught the snowball. The two smaller demons ducked behind a boulder, hugging each other as Mustoph tossed the snowball from hand to hand, whimpering and moaning, then he tossed it to Krangreen. Krangreen screeched and danced around in a circle as he tossed the snowball from hand to hand. Krangreen started to hop up and down then tossed the snowball to Beelzebub.

  Beelzebub screamed in a small, high pitched voice. He juggled the snowball like a professional as he hopped from foot to foot. Melvin stared, wide-eyed as Beelzebub tossed the snowball up and spun around twice to catch it as it came down, squeaking and yipping the whole time. Then Beelzebub tossed the snowball to Melvin.

  Melvin looked at the snowball in his hands, then at the three purple-colored demons. He shivered. He knew how to get rid of the thing. They were going to destroy him anyway, so what did he have to lose? At least he could save Hell; he could finally do his job right. His heart thumped and he smiled. He sucked in the sweet, sulfurous air and ignored the deep rumble from the ground, the hush as the fires of Hell died, and the tinkle of knives turning to dust. He whipped his left hand up and shoved the snowball into his mouth. Melvin chewed and chewed then swallowed.

  "What did you just do?" screamed Mustoph. "What was that?"

  "Coconut." said Melvin.

  "What?" roared Krangreen.

  "Chocolate." said Melvin.

  "Do you want to spend eternity in the bottom of the Slough of Despair?" screamed Beelzebub.

  "Creamy filling." said Melvin as he began to glow. "Very sweet."

  Suddenly Melvin spread white wings and began to float. His horns fell off and his skin began to glow a golden color. He heard the roar as the flames of Hell re-ignited.

  "Heavenly." he said as he rose higher.

  "Get back here and explain yourself!" screamed Beelzebub as he stomped his feet.

  "When Hell freezes over." said Melvin.

  About the Author

  A former archeaologist, Lee Lindsay is a student of Japanese culture and a black belt in Karate. He lives with his wife in a small town in Oregon, where they are staff to three cats.

  Acknowledgements

  Thanks go to my wife who has provided the editing and production skills needed to bring this book to publication as well as the love and companionship needed to live a full life. Thank you.